Loves Me, Loves Me Not

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. I've always found it hard to say "I love you" and sometimes think maybe I'm too stingy with my love. I've definitely always been cautious. Other people seem to fall in and out of love so easily. It tumbles from their lips with casual goodbyes. They say it to friends and family with confidence. They seem to have no concern about their hearts being crushed to smithereens. So I started wondering, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I missing out because I can't experience it that easily? Am I a cold hearted bitch? I have discovered there is nothing wrong with me, per se, but a lot like love, I'm complicated.

First the obvious. Vulnerability! Loving somebody means you are susceptible to emotional pain. Being a pretty sensitive person and having certain experiences in my life, inevitability formed a "tough girl shield". I got super amazing at not showing emotion inflicted by others. My really good, juicy stuff is locked up like fort knox and good luck getting in! It's a bit of a conundrum because even after having shitty shit happen to me, I have always learned and become a better person from it. Turns out I am actually pretty tough! I will survive! So why the fear of vulnerability if I know I can get through whatever is thrown at me? I guess having an owie on your heart will always really suck and I can't help but want to avoid it. So simply, no love=no owies.

Now this part was a new discovery for me. I looked up the word love to get its exact definition:

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

I thought, no......that's not right....Why didn't that sound right to me? It sounds so unimportant, not serious enough. I realized that it sounds conditional and then DING! I don't love conditionally! I only hand out the unconditional type. If I say I love you, that means there is probably nothing you can do to make me stop. I may choose to no longer have you in my life and love you from afar but I will always love you. So obviously I would be more cautious in loving because that's a HUGE commitment! I have always enjoyed being able to tell my pets, "I love you forever!" and know with everything in me that it couldn't be truer. Now, people are a bit trickier but I am lucky enough to have some in my life that render the same feelings. It feels really good; solid. To know something like that undoubtedly. It feels like love should to me. Something so pure and honest it will never go anywhere.

So I suppose the question I'm toying with now is, is this a bad thing? I guess it doesn't have to be good or bad. It's just how I am. I will like things unabashedly but when it comes to love, it's black or white. All or nothing baby! If you're reading this and I've said I love you to you before, now you know what that means to me. This does not give you permission to test me (!) but know that I really truly love you forever.