Loves Me, Loves Me Not

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. I've always found it hard to say "I love you" and sometimes think maybe I'm too stingy with my love. I've definitely always been cautious. Other people seem to fall in and out of love so easily. It tumbles from their lips with casual goodbyes. They say it to friends and family with confidence. They seem to have no concern about their hearts being crushed to smithereens. So I started wondering, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I missing out because I can't experience it that easily? Am I a cold hearted bitch? I have discovered there is nothing wrong with me, per se, but a lot like love, I'm complicated.

First the obvious. Vulnerability! Loving somebody means you are susceptible to emotional pain. Being a pretty sensitive person and having certain experiences in my life, inevitability formed a "tough girl shield". I got super amazing at not showing emotion inflicted by others. My really good, juicy stuff is locked up like fort knox and good luck getting in! It's a bit of a conundrum because even after having shitty shit happen to me, I have always learned and become a better person from it. Turns out I am actually pretty tough! I will survive! So why the fear of vulnerability if I know I can get through whatever is thrown at me? I guess having an owie on your heart will always really suck and I can't help but want to avoid it. So simply, no love=no owies.

Now this part was a new discovery for me. I looked up the word love to get its exact definition:

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

4.

a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

I thought, no......that's not right....Why didn't that sound right to me? It sounds so unimportant, not serious enough. I realized that it sounds conditional and then DING! I don't love conditionally! I only hand out the unconditional type. If I say I love you, that means there is probably nothing you can do to make me stop. I may choose to no longer have you in my life and love you from afar but I will always love you. So obviously I would be more cautious in loving because that's a HUGE commitment! I have always enjoyed being able to tell my pets, "I love you forever!" and know with everything in me that it couldn't be truer. Now, people are a bit trickier but I am lucky enough to have some in my life that render the same feelings. It feels really good; solid. To know something like that undoubtedly. It feels like love should to me. Something so pure and honest it will never go anywhere.

So I suppose the question I'm toying with now is, is this a bad thing? I guess it doesn't have to be good or bad. It's just how I am. I will like things unabashedly but when it comes to love, it's black or white. All or nothing baby! If you're reading this and I've said I love you to you before, now you know what that means to me. This does not give you permission to test me (!) but know that I really truly love you forever.

Elevator Dance Party

One time me and my bestie, Jamie, were at Stella's Fish House. We got in the elevator to go to the roof with 2 guys we didn't know. Somebody accidentally pushed the button to go to the private party room floor. Jamie and I decided in an instant that when the doors opened we should all be dancing in the elevator. We quickly begged the guys to join us and they just looked at us weird and laughed. The elevator doors started to open, we started to dance and to our surprise, these two strangers started dancing with us! So here we are, with no music, busting some serious moves with all the people in the party room staring at us. At first they were all like, "er?" then they were all like, "what.....?" and just as they doors started to close you could see smiles creep on everyone's faces. It felt like those doors where gonna take all day to close on their own but we committed till the very last crack of people's confused and smiling faces were gone. I love my bestie and those two random strangers for playing along. I need more things like this in my life. Spontaneous awesomeness.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday started out kinda shitty, no pun intended, but got pretty awesome. Here's how it went.

I left my apartment and this was outside the door. Somebody took a shit on my buildings wall and wiped with their socks. This person doesn't seem to be healthy in mind or body. I hope it rains soon.

Then I had to change my flat tire. Good thing I rock at stuff and didn't need no help puttin my spare on. GIRRRRRL POOOWERRRR! Then I had to drive to Fleet Farm to get this stupid screw out of my tire and  get her patched up. A couple hours later I was ready to roll on to the good part of my day!

Off to the beach I go! I met some new friends and hung out with some old. This old friend decided he needed a nap.

After relaxing at the beach I went to my Sissy's for some din din. She's so fancy. We made our own ginger ale. It was delicious as was the food.

Ended the night with a lovely fire and conversation. Jack was pooped and so was I. All is well that ends well.

Dumpster Diving

I have this neighbor that I'm pretty sure is a bit of a drunk. He writes me overly thankful letters for seemly no reason and slips them under my door. Harmless really. One night, years ago, he knocks at my door. He says he found a dead cat in our apt dumpster. We both agree how horrible it is and how sad that someone wouldn't even have the heart to bury it. Out with his whiskey breath comes an idea. "We should bury it!" He says. I tell him that the ground is frozen and I don't have a shovel. But he is adamant. So I try another angle, "It's just the body at this point. The kitty isn't really there anymore. It's spirit is already at peace". He asks me if I have a big metal spoon or something he can dig with. I tell him no and that he should just leave it alone. He leaves.

A little while later he knocks at my door again. He has come to tell me he couldn't puncture the ground so therefore couldn't bury the kitty. Somehow he has managed to come all the way in my apartment and plop himself on my floor. I notice he has something in his jacket. I'm like, "Errrrr what's in your jacket.....Is that the cat!?!?" Sure enough it is. I politely tell him how gross that is and he should immediately put it back. Which luckily he does.

Still, to this day, I get a little scared to throw my garbage in the dumpster. If someone threw their dead cat in there, who knows what else might be lurking under that lid ready to jump out at me! I don't even wanna think about what else my drunk neighbor might bring into my apt someday. I'm scarred. Today I saw a squirrel running out of it with an avocado peel though. That was pretty cute.

Side note: I now realize I have made 2 posts about dead cats. Not intentional. Sorry.

My Mama Lady

This is my Mom. She's the bomb.

                                                       

Thought of the Day

Sometimes you have to give people money moist with your butt sweat and they have to take it.

Cinnamon

A very friendly and sweet, mentally challenged woman comes to vacuum and mop our apt complex once a week. If I run into her, we say hi and exchange pleasantries. Today I went to get my mail and she was sitting on the steps taking a break, which she often does (bad knees). I asked her how she was doing and with no hesitation she looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, "My cat died. I got a sympathy card in the mail from the vet today". I am a huge animal lover and having lost many pets myself, I immediately sympathize with her. She tells me all about how Cinnamon her cat had tumors, that he was 13 and she had him his whole life. I tell her how sorry I am, that she did the right thing and how I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I promise her it will get better. She is still crying and upset, and her honest emotion is just breaking my heart, so I hug her. And I think everybody knows what happens when you're barely holding on and then somebody hugs you. You really let go. She had a good cry and then I carried the vacuum back up the steps for her.

A little while later I pass her again in the hall and she says, "You know, you really made me feel better." and THAT made me feel pretty good too.

I wanted to tell this story to remind people to not underestimate the affect you can have on someone, even a stranger. You're a pretty powerful person. The smallest things can make a difference. You could make somebody feel better and that rocks. Now, GO HUG SOME CRYING STRANGERS!

R.I.P. Cinnamon